How to settle a quarrel between lovers?

just sent a remark on the radio, saying, "there is another thing I particularly dislike, that is, many people habitually criticize each other when communicating after problems, in an attempt to excuse their unreasonable behavior." If two people can quarrel, they must have their own grievances. Since you choose to take the initiative to ask for peace, you should listen more and pay more attention to each other's thoughts, and patiently ask him why he says and does so, instead of just talking to himself. and then ask the other person why he didn't say a word and didn't respond. " Come to think of it, as a hot-tempered person like me, I can talk about this problem systematically. It's okay to have a little friction in daily life, but it's a thing of the past for a girl to have fun with a cute boy. But some relatively serious quarrels require communication skills. There is a joke spread on the Internet that a woman is difficult to serve, that she is unhappy if she does not admit her mistake, and that she asks you where you are wrong if she is wrong, but she is still unhappy or even angrier if she can't answer. And men are not fuel-efficient lights, the phone does not answer text messages will not directly evaporate, after a period of time as if nothing has happened to reappear, the actual contradiction has not been resolved. This is actually a very delicate issue-people who want to change the situation must be able to control the situation without being too strong. To be exact, you need to be a leader to guide the situation in the direction you expect. Let's start with two typical common mistakes. Generally refers to any man or woman, typing "he" is more convenient, is a general name. First, one of them bowed his head and admitted his mistake unconditionally and unprincipled, just to calm things down, but avoided talking about specific incidents. A mouth full of "OK, OK, it's all you are right, I'm wrong, I'm really wrong", but a perfunctory attitude like this is more likely to make people angry. And the one who bows his head is not reconciled and will choke, "haven't I already apologized? what else do you want?" What do you want? Trying to solve the problem, of course. As a result, it is easy to appear the above-mentioned scene and be forced to ask, "Why is it wrong and what is wrong? please explain it to me." Under such circumstances, the party who asked the question appeared to be aggressive and asked repeatedly if it was not clear. In the end, the psychological demands of the two people were not met. Second, one of them is earnest, earnest, eloquent and reasonable, and makes a show that he is very mature, rational, infinitely tolerant and only waiting for the other party to plead guilty. Often add "I don't want to argue with you", or "do you think I'm right?" or even ask, "isn't that the case?" At this time, the other person must feel that "you have all the words to say, I have nothing to say", so keep silent, but he may not agree with you at all. Even if he is moved, he will not immediately change his face, like an educated pupil, honestly say "Yes!" You're right about everything. Then you will feel like you are casting pearls before swine, talking to the wall and talking to the air. If you talk so much, the other party will not respond, and your mood will deteriorate. To tell you the truth, when I encounter these two situations, my inner subtext is often implausible in silence, wanting to say "eat shit", and finally unbearably yell "piss off MB", and then leave-this is the self-analysis of a person with extremely poor quality. Everyone laughed! By the way, there are those who especially care about each other and love each other, buying small gifts to coax them when they get into trouble, which is not a long-term solution. Just like keeping a dog, make him aware of the problem and correct his bad habits. When you defecate and defecate anywhere at home, you turn around and stuff it with a biscuit. What does it think? It will pee on the bed for you later. All right, let's get down to business. From the point of view of the traditional public, these two methods are active, passive, coaxing and being coaxed. But in my opinion, the two methods are more or less the same, or even essentially the same. because they did not give each other the opportunity to confess, did not give each other an "exit". one is "all right, I'm wrong", and the other is "everything I say is right, you're wrong". None of them asked what the other thought. In the actual process of communication, after such a long quarrel, you will more or less symbolically ask the other person for your opinion and what you think in words, but you won't get much feedback. Why would you do that? Because the person is already in the mood of quarreling, he is unwilling and unable to exchange ideas with you calmly. He can't pick up that kind of energy. He will feel that you can vent whatever you want, and he may even scold you. In the end, the two people just want to compete with each other, in fact, it is very meaningless. So what's the right way? 1. The two people quarreled and got angry. No matter who is right or wrong, you should first try to calm yourself down. Take a deep breath, or go for a cigarette, or go to another room for a while. But don't go out, don't give each other the feeling of leaving in a huff.

2. When you're calm, come back and sit next to him and hold him. Slowly stroking his head and back is that kind of comforting gesture. If he doesn't resist, move on to the next step. If he resists, do it forcefully until he doesn't resist, and then move on to the next step. Ha.

3. The next step is to ask him gently, "are you unhappy?" Are you angry? Shall we not be angry? " I know it sounds like a fool to coax a child, but neither of you will find it strange in that situation, but it's very sweet. Show that you care about his feelings.

4. Then let him know that you also care about what he thinks, you should take the initiative to communicate with him and give him the right to speak. You can guess several possible reasons and patiently guide him to ask: "Why are you doing this?" Why is that? Is it because of this? Or is it because of that? " After creating such an atmosphere, the other person will usually be happy to express it. Whether you agree with it or not, listen carefully, try to think from his point of view, it is best to ask further questions according to the content, keep calm throughout the process, and never interrupt him.

5. When he's done, you'll find out one of them.A few places that you agree with, or resonate with, or feel understandable, tell him that you understand this part of what he is thinking and doing, or even imagine a similar situation for yourself, or find out what has happened to you and communicate with him. If you can't find it, just give it to your friend, and then take some of your friend's comments at that time to prove that you really agree with this idea.

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6. After the previous conversation, I told your own example, in fact, it sounds like you are friends in one position, one angle and one camp, doing similar things. You are no longer hostile. At this point, you can talk about your own thoughts, but pay attention to the wording-"but at a time like this, although [we] want to say and do this, from the standpoint of [the other party], [he] may feel unhappy." In fact, [we] are talking about him, while that [other person] and [he] are talking about your own feelings. But when you say this, it still sounds like you are talking about other people's affairs, and it will not be so harsh, and he will not confine the problem to the two of you, but will be able to think objectively.

7. After such a transition, you can gradually replace your feelings and say, for example, you see, just like just now, although I can understand what you are doing, I know how you are, but as far as I am concerned, how I feel.

8. After expressing their own ideas and demands, the two men began to discuss the solution. Tell him what you want him to do, and let him make it clear what he wants you to do. Take a step back and change together. Make him realize that this is a widespread problem and that neither of you is targeting the other. Just like he and others, or you and others, as well as your friends and others, there have been similar incidents, which shows that this problem is really not conducive to our lives. So we are not to fall in love for you, I make a change, but to improve myself, in order to have a smoother interpersonal relationship in the future. Of course, this is also true. Don't tell me that you are competitive and face-saving, so you can't do it and so on. This is not a mentality to live a good life. When the final quarrel between the two people tore their faces apart, it would be even more humiliating and sad. Not to mention that the lover's character is not into oil and salt, it is not applicable to such a method. He must want to have a good life with you, even if it is just for fun, those two must also want to have fun. No one is in love and is willing to dislike each other every day.