Beware of the seven dogmas of love

belief is a yoke once it becomes a dogma.

the feeling from the heart is the only reliable basis for us to judge things. However, if we don't learn to respect and trust our feelings, we tend to trust seemingly correct beliefs. Once we rely too much on these beliefs, they become rigid dogmas. Moreover, many of these beliefs are one-sided and even wrong.

Love is the most important thing in life, and love is also the most difficult to grasp when the feeling seems too complicated, so we tend to distrust our feelings and trust some dogma, which is very dangerous.

1  

the more someone loves me, the better they will treat me.

this is one of the most common dogmas about love and the most harmful dogma.

 this creed is true for a person who is full of love in his heart. But for a person who is full of hate, this creed is wrong.

the reason why this is so is determined by our internal relationship model.

 if the relationship between one's "inner parents" and "inner children" is harmonious and in love. Then, the more this person loves you, the nicer he will be to you.  
 

but if the relationship between one's "inner parent" and "inner child" is morbid, antagonistic, or even hateful. Then, the more this person loves you, the worse he will treat you.

all our important external relationships are the result of the projection of our internal relationship patterns. And the more important an external relationship is, the greater the projection of our internal relationship patterns. Therefore, the more a person hates in his heart, the more he loves a person, the more he will be that person's hell.  
 

almost every day, we can see the news that men kill their loved ones in the social news on Sina. Com.

for example, most serial killers choose targets that have something in common. For example, a serial killer's victim is a woman with a red coat and long hair. So, it can be said that this type of woman is the dream lover of this serial killer and the object he loves. But the more he loves them, the more he wants to attack them because the relationship between his "inner child" and his "inner mother" is full of violence and hatred.

 of course, there are both love and hate, harmony and opposition in the internal relationship model of most people. As a result, the love of most people is bound to be a mixture of love and hate. If you desire that your love is warm, harmonious, and had better have a happy result, then a simple prerequisite is that the internal relationship between you and your lover is warm and harmonious.  
 

if you yearn for your love to be vigorous, love to the extreme, hate to the extreme. Then, this desire itself shows that your heart is divided and conflicting, and you are bound to look for deeply divided people.

 in the era of free love, as long as you are not forced to choose your lover, you take the initiative to choose the happiness and misfortune in love.  
 

so, as long as it is free to fall in love, try not to condemn each other, try to find the answer in yourself, and then take the initiative to choose, and take responsibility for the choice.

 No matter who it is, there must be a divided side in his heart, and this site must be shown in love. So are you, and so are your lovers. Love is not only the incisive and vivid display of the beautiful side of two people but also the incisive and vivid display of the split side of the two people. If both people are willing to assume their respective responsibilities, then their hearts will be greatly repaired, and love will have a great therapeutic effect.  
  We must see this side of love, otherwise, it is easy to be disappointed in love.  
 finally, I emphasize again that you should stay away from people with bad internal relationship patterns as much as possible unless that person can introspect.   

2   the more selfless love becomes, the more precious it becomes

We all yearn for love, but we can't believe it until we see the other person's proof of love.

this mentality is especially true in women.

 so, what is the most reliable proof of love for the other person?  
 

the answer is many people's hearts are preferably selfless love. If the other person loves me more and more selflessly, he will even trample on his dignity. He can give up everything he has, including wealth and life, for my top benefit.

 if you have this conscious or unconscious answer, then the person waiting for you is hell.  
 

because the more selfless a person is during the pursuit of you, the more likely it is to "forget" you after the relationship is established. Such a huge change will surprise many people. Especially for women, she will think that the reason why a lover is so selfless during the pursuit of himself is only for a purpose-to get her body, and once he gets it, his selfish nature comes out.

such a statement will make a man look extremely sinister and sinister.

  there must be men with ulterior motives, and the number is not very small. However, as far as I know, most men who first forget themselves and then "forget you" are sincere. During the pursuit, they are sincerely selfless, the relationship is established, they are sincere "forget you".  
 

because ecstasy and "forgetting you" are two sides of the same coin.

Why do we love someone so much? One important reason is that we regard each other as the "ideal self". The greater the gap between a person's "real self" and "ideal self", the more likely he is to be infatuated with sex.

however, the more infatuated a person is with his lover, the less he can see the true existence of his lover. What he sees is the "ideal self" he projects onto his lover.

that is, he loves not you, but himself.

 if he does not get a lover, the illusion will never be shattered, and the person will always be selfless. Once he gets a lover, he will find that his lover is not his "ideal self", so he gets back the "ideal self" he projects onto his lover. The lover has changed from his "ideal self" to herself, so selflessness becomes "forgetting you".

this is a key reason why marriage is the tomb of love.

of course, this game is done by both parties. A woman with a healthy state of mind sees a man who is selfless and infatuated with her. although she may be moved by him consciously, she instinctively feels uncomfortable, feels that something is wrong, and therefore keeps away from the man. But a woman who lacks self-love in her heart is too vigilant to believe a man's love. She must see the man's selfless love before she can let her guard down and think that the man loves her.  
 so, during the pursuit, she enjoys a man's selfless love, and after the relationship is established, she endures the torment of a man's "forgetting you".  
 

if you feel it with your heart, she will find that there is something wrong with this man's selflessness when he is in love. He seems to be selfless in love, but in fact, he doesn't know her at all. He doesn't see her at all. What he loves is the fantasy he projects onto her.

the same applies to women. A woman who is extremely "selfless" when she is in love is just as easy to be a lover's hell.  

3   the older you are, the more you know how to care  

is based on the premise that people love learning and introspection.

however, it is a pity that another saying is more accurate by comparison-"rivers and mountains are easy to change, but nature is hard to change."

that is to say, a person who knows how to love will always know how to love, but a person who doesn't know how to love will never know how to love. The ability to love has little to do with age.

if explained by the concept of internal relational schema, it is easy to understand. People who know how to love, that is, "inner parents" and "inner children" love each other. People who do not know how to love, that is, the "inner parents" and "inner children" are not in love or even opposite to each other.

Love is an incisive projection of the internal relationship model we formed with our parents and other families in childhood to the external relationship with our loved ones in adulthood. As a result, people who have a harmonious relationship with their families in childhood are more likely to achieve harmony when they are in love, and those who conflict with their families in childhood are more likely to have conflicts when they fall in love.

this projection is quite constant and has little to do with age.

A person who is more harmonious in heart will be willing to introspect himself. So, for such a person, he does know more and more about love as he grows older.

however, a person who's inner conflict is too intense will refuse to examine himself. For him, the older he gets, the more frustrations he encounters, the more self-abased he is, the more resistant he is to introspection, and the worse his ability to love may be.

4   the nicer you are to your friends, the better you will be to me.

I have read some so-called love manuals. Many manuals mention that if you want to see a person, you can learn from his relationship with friends or colleagues. If he gets along well with them, then he will get along well with you.

I once thought this statement was true.

however, after learning countless love stories, I have found that this is of limited reference to both men and women.

because, no matter how much a person seems to care about a relationship with a friend or colleague, the emotional depth of such a relationship is still far lower than that of a relationship. As a result, a person can make better use of reason and control his emotions when dealing with this kind of relationship with friends and colleagues.

but in a deep relationship, no one wants to want to control me.

 therefore, we often see this phenomenon: many people are indifferent to their spouses and children and are affectionate to outsiders.

this phenomenon seems bizarre, but it is easy to understand. Because to outsiders, he can control his emotions and show his good side in this relationship with weak emotional depth, but to his relatives, he is unwilling and unable to control his emotions, so he shows his true side.  
 

as a result, some people who are very bad in the mode of an internal relationship, but at the same time very calculating, will have an extremely terrible split: like a saint on the outside, but an out-and-out tyrant at home.

so what should I do? How to judge this person?

is very simple, based on your feelings. If this person has been in love before and has had a deeply intimate relationship, try to know the truth about him in this intimate relationship.

the best way to judge a person's internal relationship pattern is to look at his intimate relationship. If this person is very bad to outsiders but has an equal and harmonious relationship with his relatives, especially his spouse, it can be said that this person's inner health is relatively healthy, and his bad attitude towards outsiders may be the result of rational learning, which is easier to change. If this person is kind to outsiders, but his relationship with relatives is full of conflicts and even hatred, it can be said that there is something wrong with this person, and it is not easy to change this point.

5   he said I can't. It must be that he acts  

the patriarchal society requires men to do things, and women in the patriarchal society also want men to be good.

although modern society is no longer so male chauvinist, even though some women are good at it themselves and do not need men to be too good to survive, the concept of "men are relatively good, women are relatively bad" is still hidden deep in our subconscious, which can be said to be the collective unconscious of every mainstream culture at present.

there are two ways for men to convince women that they can do it: first, to show their strengths; second, to negate the advantages of women.

 if a man's internal relationship pattern is "I can do it, so can you", he will tend to use the first way and less the second way.  
 if a man's internal relationship pattern is "I can do it, you can't", he will tend to use the second way rather than the first one.  
 if a man's "I can do, you can't" degree is very serious, then he will regard the second way as the normal way, frequently negating the woman he loves.  
 

interestingly, during a relationship, many women's self-confidence is badly hit by being denied by their lovers, and their thought is, "since you always say I can't, then you can do it. In that case, I'm counting on you."

but in the end, they found that the man would deny himself for decades, and they felt angry and suffocated. Moreover, the man's ability is not good, even very bad.

Women sometimes frequently use the way of denying lovers, but even if they use it, they are more covert at first. By contrast, men seem to have won the right to deny the qualifications of women. Even, some strong women told me that if their confidence was not seriously destroyed by men, they would lack feelings for their lovers and feel that they could not rely on them.

so this is also a duet. The long patriarchal society has created this kind of collective unconsciousness: women just can't, men just can. Therefore, in front of a man, if a woman can not have the feeling of "I can't", it seems that love is difficult to produce.

Men more or less know this. As a result, men are generally used to negating women and are used to being good at camouflage. And the more self-abased you are, the more you pretend to be "I'm good". The more he disguises, the more sensitive he is to all the confidence that evokes his inferiority complex, and the more he wants to suppress the confidence of the woman he loves.

however, saying "you can't" is not necessarily related to "I can".

6   if you have been hurt, you will know how to cherish more.

when many men develop new relationships, one of the things they often do is complain. They depict their previous feelings so badly and their ex-girlfriends or ex-wives so horribly that the motherhood of the woman to whom they talk is triggered.

 and when some women fall in love with these men, they will think that since they have been hurt, they will know more about love and cherish me.  
 

sometimes, women complain to men, and some men's desire to protect is also stimulated.

however, people who talk forget one thing: they fall in love freely, their former lovers are their free choices, and they should bear at least half the responsibility for their choices.

We often say that people should learn a lesson and learn a lesson, but this is onlyWish, the fact is, there are always a few people with this precious quality, and most people always wrestle in the same place, and the wrestling posture is the same.  
 

so, if the person who pursues you, his previous love life is a mess. Well, the outlook for him and you are more likely to be a mess than a sudden change for the better.

unless this person has such a quality: when he confides in you, he seldom insults the other person, but mainly reflects on his responsibility. However, if a person has this quality, you will hear him complain less.

sometimes, you will find that you are very different from his former lover, and it seems that you have enough evidence to show that you and he will be completely different from her and him.

judging from the role you play, it seems to be true from the role he plays. But from the perspective of the whole relationship, this relationship is the same thing as the last one.  
 

A woman is a strong woman who worries about everything about her ex-husband, and her appearance, income, and other external conditions are better than her ex-husband. But in the end, the "heartless" left her. He would rather live the life of a tramp than go back to her to live a life of good food and clothing.

 this woman was hit so hard that she felt aggrieved. She worked so hard before, but the man didn't buy it. If I had known this, why would I have done it in the first place? As a result, she changed the criteria for choosing a mate. In the past, she tended to choose a weak man to stimulate her desire for protection. Now, she wants to find a strong man she can rely on.  
 there are many strong men around her, and her conditions are good, so it should not be difficult to find a strong man to rely on. To her, it looks like things are completely different. She used to worry about everything. In the future, her partner worries about everything.  
 

however, on the whole, this is still the same thing. The previous relationship is the relationship between control and control, and the later relationship is still the relationship between control and control. In the past, when she was a controller, her ex-husband felt suffocated and ran away. In the future, as a controlled person, she will have the opportunity to experience the suffocation felt by her ex-husband when she will have the same impulse to run away as her ex-husband.

 this kind of either-or reincarnation is the same thing as the simple repetition of reincarnation, which stems from the fact that we simply project our internal relationship patterns onto external relationships.  
 

for example, this woman's problem stems from the fact that there is too much control and control in her internal relationship model. As a result, the degree of control in her love will be as heavy as that of being controlled. Sometimes she thinks she is in control, and sometimes she thinks she is under control. But whether she is a controller or a controlled person, she yearns for her intimacy. One person manipulates everything, while the other always obeys. This relationship is bound to go wrong, the controlling party is bound to feel tired, and the controlled party is bound to feel suffocated.

 if she does not change her internal relationship pattern, then her love will be reincarnated again and again.  
 

many people refuse to reflect and change themselves, but only dream of finding a "right gentleman" or "right lady", but the result is only to reap reincarnation again and again.

7    

this belief is true in career, but not emotionally. Because we often see this kind of love: the more you give, the less you get in return.

 on a marriage-seeking website, I saw a moving personal description of a woman, meaning that she will give 100% love, regardless of what men do. I believe what she said is true because her face is written desperate for love.  
 

I wrote her a letter advising her not to give so much, and that she had better care more or less about what the man did to her.

she'd better do this, or she will surely fall into misfortune. The idea of

seems to be very great, but it is a kind of deep narcissism. People who have this idea do not see the real existence of each other, she is taking care of herself to pay. Her efforts are her own needs, not necessarily the needs of her lover.

 True love must see each other's real existence, and thus must see each other's real needs. To do this, we have to understand each other, be able to let go of ourselves, stand in each other's point of view, and put ourselves in each other's shoes.  
 

however, it is difficult to understand, but it is relatively easy to give. Especially for people who are used to giving in their native families, giving is their need, an important source of their sense of value, and their obsessive-compulsive habit. Trying to keep them from giving has become a problem instead.

Be outstanding and elegant on any occasion by choosing tea length wedding dresses for older brides. Immediately after buying, you get a peace of mind.

and, giving in a relationship without any demands on your lover sometimes implies the message that now that I have done so perfectly, I have a clear conscience, so any further problems in our relationship are not my responsibility, but yours.

this message implies that I am the good guy and you are the bad guy.

 this is the subconscious message of the payer, because of this, such a good person is bound to find an obvious "bad guy". For example, a woman found an alcoholic. She was in great pain and begged him to go to psychotherapy. He successfully abstained from drinking. Then, inexplicably, they divorced, and she found another alcoholic man, so she could play the blame game-"I did so well, and you are so bad, how can you blame me?"  
 

so people who are used to playing the absolute payer in love should reflect on what they are after.

Love is the number one problem in life, the greatest source of happiness and pain, so there are many dangerous dogmas around love. I only wrote seven of the more common ones. However, we should not make my views absolute, otherwise, they will become a new dogma.

all the love tragedies I know can see two messages: first, the danger signal was felt early by the parties, but the parties did not respect their feelings; second, every tragedy caused by free love is actively promoted by their specific psychology, no matter how innocent you look and how perfectly you do it, your love tragedy is at least half of your reason.

so be sure to respect your feelings, which are more authentic and reliable than these dogmas.

 in addition, be sure to find more reasons for yourself and reflect on yourself, instead of always playing games that blame each other.  
 

introspection is the most important personality trait. If someone asks me to advise on what kind of lover I should look for, then the first piece of advice I would like to make is to find someone capable of introspection. If a person lacks introspection and refuses to do so, there must be dangerous subconscious traps in his seemingly beautiful practices.